Category Archives: Life

Here’s To The Weirdos

Before I get into these weird ramblings I want to warn you I just did a word check to see how many times I wrote “Weird” in here and I only say it 43 times. So thats not too bad. Kind of weird of me. Shoot now I am up to 44. So enjoy this weird post! 45 feels better than 44.

I remember a day in eighth grade walking into gym class excited to see my friends. I was halfway into the locker room when I heard someone say my name while talking to someone else. I instantly stopped mid step and listened:
“Gosh Codi really is so weird, she just says weird things all the time and is so not cool. Let’s hurry and get outside before she comes in so we don’t have to walk outside with her.”

I stood there so still, not breathing like I had just got punched in my weird gut. I was so confused and hurt as they continued talking about my weirdness and how not cool I was as they walked outside.

Weird.

They thought I was weird.

In that moment the tiny librarian in my brain stepped out from behind her little desk, walked over to the tiny bookshelves, peeked over her glasses at the labels on the books, and sorted through the W’s til she found “Weird”. Took it out of its uncategorized section and carefully placed it in the “Bad” section, with some other choice words such as “messy” and “imperfect”.

And that was that. Weird was officially a word I hated from then on.

From that moment on I became really sensitive to my “weirdness”. My “friends” would talk in the hallways between classes and slowly turn their backs to me til eventually I was pushed out of their cool circle like a little dweeb goat trying to eat from the same trough as all of the big strong goats. I didn’t fit in and I didn’t really know how to be cool enough again to be allowed into that circle. So I eventually left it and went and hung out with some friends who accepted me for just who I was. From then on I didn’t know how to react around the “cool” people, so I just became quiet and stopped talking to them. This carried over into high school and oh what fun it was to act like a mysteriously shy girl daily to everyone I didn’t know.

Even through my years of soccer I learned to just shut myself up and beat myself up constantly for not being good enough or cool enough like everyone else on my team. Even my coach obviously thought I was weird and imperfect, so that was more proof of my worthlessness to me- I just didn’t fit in anywhere.
I taught myself to see everyone around me as an enemy “Everyone obviously must think I’m weird so I better not become close with them unless they are weird like me.” It was so dumb! I spent so much time and energy worrying about what people thought of me.

Near the end of high school I met a boy who was weird too, and the best part was he didn’t care at all about what anyone thought of him. It was strange to me that he could do that and I respected and loved him for it. And honestly it taught me to take my wall down for a bit. He helped me learn to not care either and embrace my weirdness. The first time we hung out we packed wheelchairs into my trunk and wheeled around in Walmart for no reason at all but just to laugh. We would go to midnight showings of movies dressed in graduation robes with sticks we had foraged from some stranger’s back yard and whittled into wands. Or go on walks and collect literally hundreds of snails from the sidewalk and put them in baskets we had found. Everything we did was so “weird” but so much fun, it was a breath of fresh air! It was all so new for me that I learned to tune the rest of the world out, it was ok for me to be weird for once and he accepted me for it.

Not long after I met another boy who was completely different than the first. He was “cool”. He was handsome, funny and smooth with his words- he always knew just what to say. Not to mention it seemed like all of the girls wanted to date him. He allowed me to be weird, and he was weird too- but he was always very guarded. He cared a whole bunch about what people thought of him, and he had some very strong opinions about many other people as well. I understood it though, I understood the walls that he put up because I had them too. I sympathized with him and learned to feel how he felt- he felt not accepted in a different way than I had growing up. It was different, but at the same time eerily similar. And it caused an un-ease in him that hurt him and kept him always on the defense.

When he proposed to me the diamond on my ring was tilted at a 45 degree angle. We sat there on the old train platform where he had just proposed and he gently held my left hand up into the light “You notice how the diamond is tilted? I asked them to make it that way on purpose. I didn’t want it straight because that wouldn’t make sense. You are “off” too Codi, just like the diamond, you are not normal. You are tilted, you are not the same as everyone else, so I wanted your ring to show that.”

Weird.

He thought I was weird.

It was kind and thoughtful of him, he liked that about me, but he saw me as vastly different from  even himself. It struck me that he saw me as “off” too just like everyone else did. Which was ok but just resonated in a strange lonely part of my heart.

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Obviously these years were some that taught me the very most. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions- I would feel extreme highs of importance when I was praised and showered with songs, tears and romantic gestures. And other times I went through the lowest lows. Times when I would feel so hopeless, misunderstood, unimportant and weird that I would cry silent heaving sobs into my pillow in the middle of the night- while my husband would sleep peacefully on the other side of the bed.

My “weirdness” grew into a monster for these years. I always felt it lingering, every decision I made, every person I talked to, it would creep up and I’d have to fight it back so I could act normal. But I never was. Whatever I did wasn’t good enough and wasn’t accepted. So I learned to shut down just how I had in Jr High school. I became quiet and accepted the fact I wasn’t going to be heard, so I needed to just blend in and let my husband take control (since obviously I was too weird and dumb to make decisions myself- and I believed that my past backed up that belief about myself)

We all know how that story ends so I’ll save you most of the details.
But my weirdness still wouldn’t leave me alone, even through my divorce I would hear from complete strangers that my in-laws and husband’s friends were saying I was “crazy” and “bipolar” or a few other words which to me just screamed: UNIMPORTANT, FAILURE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

WEIRD.

They thought I was weird.

And just like that they pushed me out of their lives, out of the cool circle like I never existed. And I had to pretend I didn’t miss them either, because cool people don’t do that.

Fast forward to the next boy I met, unlike #1 or #2 in so many ways.


Jason was Jason. It never occurred to me when we met that he was weird or that a word like that even existed any more. What I had once viewed as weird just looked flawless and comfortable when I looked at Jason. He didn’t care what people thought of him, but he thought the world of quite literally everyone around him. He would laugh at anything he thought was funny, and he would talk to anyone no matter who they were or what others thought of them. He would act however he wanted and do anything that made him or others happy, as long as it was positive. I could see in his huge group of fun, weird, amazing friends and wonderful, accepting, fun family that he was doing something right- because why else would he be surrounded by so so much support and positivity? He literally took “weird” right out of my mind and melted it back down to what it meant to me when I was a kid. Which was just.. different. And Jason was and is different, and honestly I don’t know one person who doesn’t love him for it, not one!

He helped me see that different is not a bad thing, it’s actually a great thing.

One day we were driving and I felt so down because one of my good friends had just turned me down to go on a group date with us. Her words were “My husband thinks you’re weird and that date nights you put on are just weird, so we probably aren’t going to come, sorry.”

Jason looked at me and said “Code, what a compliment. Don’t see being “weird” as a bad thing, it means you’re different. And different people make life more fun and bright for everyone else! You make people see the world in a different light and that is an amazing gift! I feel so proud every time someone calls me weird, because it’s a compliment. Don’t feel sad, they are the ones missing out on your amazing insight, ideas and fun!”

Sure, just weeks before I had put on an old person date night where I forced my friends to all wear old clothes from Goodwill while we shuffled and limped around all night wearing braces and took crutches and wheelchairs to Chuck-a-Rama. After dinner we played a nice game of bingo and one of the prizes was an adult diaper. But was this date night weird? No way! Maybe everyone else who doesn’t have date nights like this are the weird ones!

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It’s taken me my whole life to accept myself for who I am and to not be offended or sad when people say I’m weird. And I can’t say how much I wish I had learned this lesson years ago. It would have saved me so much hurt and worry.

Since Jason has come into my life he has helped open my eyes to so much. He has really taught me that when you are your best and truest self, you are also your happiest self and good people and experiences will just come to you! It’s really like magic how this happens and I’ve loved experiencing life in this light and learning to embrace what makes me different. It’s amazing how many friends and just pure goodness have appeared in my life in the last couple of years. And I have enjoyed being able to get to know people genuinely without boundaries or cautiousness in how I’m going to appear or come off to them. The truth is people will open up and love you more if you learn to do this within yourself first. Sometimes this takes a lot of life experience, or just someone to come in and show you the ropes in a kind way.

So be weird, be kind, be genuine and be you. I’m here to tell you it’s not worth the pain and the sadness to worry what everyone thinks of you. Worry about fixing yourself first if you’re broken, because when you are healthy emotionally then the people around you will feel it and you will be able to do more good than before and spread so much more sunshine!

One night Jason and I were at home, we were in our underwear hugging each other as tight as we could while we held our breath to see who could squeeze an ugly laugh out of the other person first. I think I won. After that we brushed our teeth while we ugly danced in silence, read some of our book and the scriptures together, and then talked about life and laughed really hard at something that had happened that day. As I laid there with my head on his belly while he played with my hair I realized something. To Jason I was not “off”. I was not tilted or crooked or different to him. We were one, and as far as he could tell we were both on the exact same crazy angle. And if we were both tilted at the exact same strange angle then really we weren’t “off” at all.

This was probably a totally cheesy, dumb, and maybe repetitive post but it’s something that has really shaped my life. I hope I can help even one person see how they might be holding themselves back from such a happy life. It’s ok to care about the people you care about, it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to think of crazy ideas, and do bizarre things as long as they are good, uplifting and positive. Never be ashamed of those good parts of you no matter if some people think you’re weird or that you don’t fit in with their views of what is normal. It’s ok. And our differences are what make life worth living.

There are always going to be people out there who are craving your individuality and who might need your heart, your ideas, or your outlook on life to better their life in some way. So don’t let the fear of what anyone thinks of you put out your unique flame. In the past I never would have written or posted anything like this post in fear of it sounding weird. But what the heck, who cares?

It’s up to me.

 

It was a cold and stormy night. Just kidding. Half kidding. It was freaking cold. But not stormy. Slash I am not even starting this story with the nighttime so pretend I never said any of this.

It was a very very cold day. Jason was acting strange, as opposed to how he usually acts- goofy. We were at my parent’s house and wait, let’s rewind.

It was a very very tired morning at work. I called my parents when I got off of my shift around noon and no one answered. My mom finally texted me back “Hi Codi, sorry! We are going to lunch with Jason right now, I think I know what he is going to ask us!!” Me “Gosh mom!! I like surprises, now this isn’t going to be a surprise!” Mom “I’m sorry!! I am a bad liar I couldn’t think of anything else to say because you’d figure it out anyway! Oh well we all knew it was coming!” It’s true, I would have figured it out- my parents and Jason are the worst liars/secret keepers in the world and I am a world class detective.

So yes. Jason took my parents to lunch to ask for my hand in marriage. The plot twist is that they said no, because that would only leave me with one hand. Just kidding that really never happened, I just heard that joke from someone and I do find it pretty comical.

But they obviously said yes. They have loved Jason from day one and saw how good he was for me. And can I just point out that he asked both of my parents? I loved that. I still love how Jason knows how much my whole family means to me and they mean just as much to him too, because turns out that is how he is with his own family. It’s so great.

So fast forward to a few days later. To the cold cold day. The night before Jason asks “Code, can we go on a hot date tomorrow night? And get some dinner?” I of course agreed, I am always up for a hot date and dinner! And a hot dinner! So he comes over to our house and my dad asks “What are you two doing tonight?” I look at Jason. Jason gets a blank look on his face “Uh, we are going on a hot date. Probably to dinner…” Dad, “Oh sounds fun, where to?” Jason, “Uh, um..probably this Thai place up by Liberty Park…” awkward silence. Hahahaha there was never a moment of awkward silence with Jason from the moment we met until then. That’s the second I knew he was proposing that night.

I looked down at my clothes, then at the clock and thought oh no. I look like a river monster/ weird camp guide person. Then I did a quick glance at my reflection on the oven and thought, oh shoot even worse. My face looks like a dirty sock and my hair is an exact replica of the mop that was used to clean the lunch room at my elementary school.

But there was no time to get ready so I just grabbed some lipgloss out and tied the top half of my mop hair into a weird little bun. And off we went. Jason opened the front door for me and said “Oh Codi! Did you know it’s 11/11 today?? Did you make a wish?” me “Yes I did know, and no, I didn’t make a wish!” And I continued walking to his car.

We then started driving to dinner and Jason says “So since I found this Thai place which happens to be really close to Liberty Park, do you think we should go take a walk after dinner?”

Me talking to myself in my head “Shoot, he really is going to propose at Liberty Park and we have never even been there together, what does that meeaaan. Plus I know for a fact he hasn’t gotten me a ring yet so what is he going to do??” Thus starts the internal freakout and commencement of me trying to sabotage Jason’s “unplanned” proposal.

Our drive continues with me turning on my snapchat and forcing us to record us saying phrases backwards so I could record it backwards, making it sound “normal”.

Me and Jason for ten minutes “ooooopp ooot vvvaahhhh iii” You can figure out on your own what that one was. Or watch this.

Then we pull up at the restaurant and eat just the most delicious Thai food til we are over stuffed as usual. Well I was anyway.

Then we drive to Liberty Park. We park. And we sit there as I try to look down at my feet but I can’t because I am so stuffed with food my belly was identical to Santa Claus belly. Then I realized I was as cold as Santa and I cranked the heat up all the way. Then I zoned in on my heartburn creeping up my throat and started unbuttoning my pants to relieve some of the pressure on my freaking belly. I thought about unbuckling my seatbelt but kept it firmly across my lap as I sat there and tried to think of a way to get away from Liberty Park.

“Ok Code, do you want to go on a little walk? It’ll help our food digest!”

“Um I don’t feel very good J, I am too full, I am freezing already I am just shivering thinking about getting out of the car, my heartburn is eating my esophagus and maybe we should just go home and watch a show??”

“Ok we can do that after, come on! I have a great big blanket in the back I can wrap around you, and when we walk it’ll help your food and your heartburn go away probably.”

Any other day if I asked Jason to drive me to Maine, he would do it. If I was sad and the only way he could cheer me up was for him to eat the contents of a cat’s litter box he would have done it. So when he didn’t give in to my complaining and whisk me away to watch a show, I knew I wasn’t getting out of our “walk” in the park.

So we get out and Jason bundles me up in his blanket and we start walking around the park.

This whole time I was shaking uncontrollably. If anyone looked at me they would have thought I was dying of hypothermia but in reality I was just so nervous I couldn’t control my rattling body.

We walk a few feet and Jason says “Oh Code! Did you know it is 11/11 today?” Me “Yep, and no I didn’t make a wish.” And I keep waddling away like the brat that I was.

So on we walk around the pond. I try to change the subject to anything other than 11/11 or romantic things. So I ask Jason if he could have any pet in the world what would he choose.

Just keep in mind we were both acting like we had just met each other. Jason was freaking out of nervousness and I was as well. We were both acting so strange all night and once I asked him what pet he would choose I almost bust out laughing uncontrollably that it was the only thing I could think of to talk about.

Silence.

Jason: “Um.. a pet… I think.. I think I choose an owl. Yeah I choose an owl. What about you?”

Me: “Um shoot I didn’t think about this. Maybe like a.. lion or something. Yeah a lion. I could ride it and stuff.”

Jason: “A lion? Cool! Wait.. why did I choose an owl?? Owls are cool but not that cool. Not that cool at all. Why didn’t I choose a big animal? Why did I choose a freaking owl??”

More walking and laughing.

Jason “Oh wow Code! Look, there is a bridge here! We should go over the bridge!”

I practically sprint over the bridge in fear he will propose on this bridge.

We reach the little island in the middle of the pond. I scan the area for signs of the impending proposal, nothing.

“Hey look, wow its a bench Code! Lets go sit on that bench!”

We walk down to this tilted decrepit bench sitting in the mud down by the water. All the while Jason is talking about island’s nervously.

“Wow look at us Codi, me and you on an island. Islands are so interesting, hey! We met on an island, practically! This is so cool for us, it’s like we are back where we met! Think about it, islands are all alone out in the water, surrounded by water, but together you know? Like me and you! Islands are basically our thing, they mean so much…… ”

He kept talking as my mind flashed through scenes of meeting Jason on our cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean. Playing on all the islands in the warm weather, heaps of never ending food, swimming in the ocean, playing on the beaches, hiking in the rainforest. Laughing as we play games in the sun, and at night talked while the warm sea mist floated around and you could see all the stars up in the sky.

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And my eyes slowly drifted from the murky inversion above us, down to my shivering body wrapped in Jason’s old blanket. My glance continued down to a diseased glove halfway encrusted into the ground in front of our muddy shoes, over globs of duck poop, to the sludgy water rippling slightly where the geese were probably watching us in the dark.

Jason continues being so cute and nervous talking about the importance of islands to us. Then he starts to move a little more than usual, bouncing up and down a bit.

“Man Code, I really have to pee. I am going to pee my pants.”

He starts scanning the little island for a place to pee. “Ok I am going to run to the bathroom on the other side of the park, stay here I will be right back!”

Me “Just pee in the pond J.”

Jason: “No, I could get arrested!”

I look around at the ten feet in front of us which is all we can see because it is so pitch black.

“No one will see you! It is so dark we can’t even see a thing, how in the world would a cop on the other side of the park see you peeing?? ”

He finally complied and I sat there on the bench as he scuttled almost out of sight and I hear his pee hitting the sludge filled water.

He walks back to the bench and continues to talk a bit and then looks at his watch. “Wow, so it’s still a little while til it’s 11:11 on 11/11, maybe we should just make wishes now? So make a wish k?”

Oh no, it’s coming. I sit there with a blank mind, what do I wish for?? What do I do?

“What did you wish for Code?” Me “Well I can’t tell you or it won’t come true, right?” Jason “Well ok, but can I tell you what I wished for….?”

His hands are sweating and shaking so much as he lifts himself off the bench and fumbles a ring out of his pocket. I could almost hear the mud goosh out and around his knee as he kneels in front of me.

“I wished that I could spend forever with you. Codi you are my very best friend. I have never been as happy as I have been since I met you. I love you so much. (more stuttery, simple, cute fumbling words) Codi, will you marry me??”

I am crying as I nod, “Yes, Jason!”

And he slips a ring on my finger, then the gem slides from the top to the bottom of my finger and hangs there a few sizes too big.

Jason: “Oh shoot! I knew it wouldn’t fit! Oh no.. Codi I am so sorry. I blew it, oh no. Codi you deserve so much better. I got you the wrong size ring. And why did I propose to you at Liberty Park? It’s freezing and gross. What did I do? I blew it. I’m so sorry Codi. I’m so so sorry. I haven’t gotten any sleep in weeks I just had to do it today or I felt like I was going to die of nervousness! I’m so sorry.” I sit there and look at the ring hanging off of my finger and think.

Oh no he did blow it didn’t he. What do we do? This isn’t how a proposal is supposed to be is it. What do we do now?

Jason:”Ok Code lets just pretend this didn’t happen ok? I will redo it and do it better. You deserve better than me and better than this. I will go get you a ring that fits and I will do this better another time. Let’s just go home, I’m so so sorry.”

I still sit there in silence thinking. “Ok, so do I just not tell anyone, and we pretend this didn’t happen? Or should we just go with it? What do we do?”

We sit there talking about it for a bit and decide that he is going to redo it but we should get pictures in case we just want to count this time as the real thing (we were so stupid hahaha). He apologizes again for not planning this better because he was going to get someone to take pictures and didn’t remember to do that. He just kept apologizing for every single thing and we felt so confused!

So Jason turns on his phone and flips the camera around and our big white faces come on the screen. Oh dear we looked horrible! We take one photo and his phone dies.

Jason “Oh no!! Is your phone still in my car? You say here Code, I will run and get it and I’ll hurry, I’m so sorry!!” Jason runs out across the bridge and I sit there on that little tilted bench wrapped in his blanket and watch his silhouette shrink away in the distance as he runs clear around the park to our car to get my phone.

In that moment I felt so upset “Oh gosh I can’t believe he blew it. What do we even do? I look gross, we don’t have pictures, the ring doesn’t fit, we are at Liberty Park, we are freezing and why are we here?” Then as I watched Jason’s tiny outline running in the distance it hit me.

I started laughing so hard. I laughed that he peed in the pond, I laughed at the glove sticking out of the mud. I laughed at how homeless I looked wrapped in that blanket, sitting on a bench that looked like it had survived a hurricane. I laughed about Jason’s cute words about islands, and I laughed at the “island” I was currently sitting on as he ran to get my phone out of the car. And I realized that this whole proposal was exactly what I wanted. I wanted Jason and all of it was so him. The nervousness, the loss of words, the fact that none of it was a surprise. The whole night was something I would never forget and it was so simple and not dramatic. Jason was not dramatic, he never put on a show. He was fun and funny and simple. He never upset me or treated me wrong. He valued me, my hopes, dreams, ideas and words like no one else had before. He would do anything for me, but from day one I scared the crap out of him (or in this case, the pee). From the moment I met him he waited for me to make up my mind. He let me decide what I wanted and what I needed. He showed me his true self from the second we met on that cruise ship and he was still doing that very thing on that little dirty island on Liberty Park. He was a drama free guy who loved me and was my best friend in the whole world. And I was so happy we would have this night to laugh about for the rest of forever.

It occurred to me in that moment that I had been conditioned my whole life into thinking that drama is normal- good or bad drama. I had this idea that everything that happened in my life had to be like a fairy tale, or utter destruction and misery, to be right. That day leading up to Jason’s proposal my mind flashed back to my ex’s proposal. A giant scavenger hunt, intricate clues, tears, tears and more tears. A song written and played for me in between sobs. Ending at a proposal on an old train platform where we had our first kiss. It was just like the movies portray a proposal to be, very dramatic and flowery. In my head I remember hesitating after my ex popped the question, my first thought was to say no because I didn’t feel like I was ready or like it was right for us. But I said yes because I loved him and I thought it was just how it was supposed to be, I didn’t think I had any other option. There were many times after that proposal where I got scared, I worried I had made the wrong choice. As I was deciding if I was going to go through with that marriage I had a few scares that he would hurt himself if I didn’t stay with him, or something horrible would happen to him or our relationship- I was so scared I would lose him. But again, that drama was what kept me in it. I was used to the drama throughout my life so it felt right.

As I remembered those moments with my ex a clear comparison of Jason came into my mind. When he asked me to marry him I had absolutely zero doubts that I wanted to marry him. But if I had, he would have stepped back and let me figure it out without any threats or scares; but with patience and love. I was ashamed that I had questioned Jason’s proposal just because it wasn’t flowery or dramatic enough. I couldn’t believe that my idea of how a proposal should be, clouded over the awesomeness of the night and the hilarity and sweetness of Jason’s plan. He was everything I wanted and I would have married him even if he wrapped a worm around my finger and asked me to marry him in a text. Our relationship was based on trust, love, humility, friendship, patience and humor. As opposed to jealousy, confusion, drama and more drama.

That moment on that bench taught me a lot about myself. I realized that down in my core I had some unhealthy expectations and patterns that I would have to work a ton on to change. Even in the happiest state I’d been in for years (or in my whole life for that matter) I still struggled with expectations and being let down due to really high ones.

I thought about how much more sweet and memorable my memories with Jason were compared to any else. No matter what our surroundings or struggles were they constantly brought us closer instead of tearing us apart. Sure, it took me a minute to recalibrate my mind and my emotions each time something shook me and a little. But Jason helped this process each time by being patient, sweet and by putting me first. He didn’t need to put on a big show to win my heart so why would he have to do that to ask me to marry him?

Jason galloped back over the bridge in the dark and sat back down on the bench with my phone in his hand. Out of breath he said something about taking some pictures now then we would figure out if we wanted him to redo the proposal another time. Finally- like I should have done minutes before- I told him that this proposal was perfect and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

We sat and hugged each other as we laughed for some time and took some beautiful romantic photos on my phone (see the beauty below). Then we called our family and told them we were finally engaged, before my phone also died because the battery was “too cold”.

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I had a thought a little off tangent as I was hunting for those proposal photos but here it goes. As a photographer I tend to pick photos that “aren’t real”. When choosing photos of a model I will not pick the one where her double chins are bulging over the collar of her dress from laughing so hard. I won’t choose a picture of someone’s crack hanging out as they are modeling a pair of pants. Photos like this don’t “sell”. I don’t capture the kid’s toys laying on the ground when snapping a photo of my sister in her home. Or mine and J’s laundry piled in the corner when getting a picture of the two of us at home. But the truth about life is that these little quirky and real things can’t be covered up, no matter if they aren’t shown- they are there! And they are what make life real, unique and fulfilling. It’s kind of how I see my relationship with Jason, it’s candid, funny and real. Nothing is covered up or not shown, and sometimes you have to learn to love the real double chin smiles instead of the glamorous vogue shots. Take away the drama and life is so much better and so much more enjoyable. I’m so grateful for my Jason and for everything he has taught me! I’m so grateful he proposed and that I now reap those benefits of being with my best friend for every day for the rest of ever. It’s a cool life.

February 1st 2016

I’m here today to post some wedding pictures taken by my great friend Jessica Sweat. But I am going to start out writing more of Jason and I’s story. Because the truth is I started writing it weeks ago and am just finishing now. And lumping it together with our wedding pictures haha.

I’m going to start back in what.. probably April of last year. Jason took me to Cirque Du Soleil when they came here to Salt Lake. After the show J drove me home and we were sitting in my driveway laughing about something and he says “Gosh Codi I just loved tonight! And I just love laughing with you, and I loved dinner! And I love spending time with you… I just love YOU!!” and then we both stopped mid laugh and looked at each other,  Jason’s face turned bright red and he put his hand over his mouth. Then I started laughing again way harder and he says “Oh gosh I did not mean to say that, not like this not right now, oh my gosh! I am the worst I didn’t mean to say that now!” and I couldn’t stop laughing then he said “Wait, I mean no…. I DID mean to say that, I DO love you Codi! I totally meant it so I AM going to tell you, I love you! I’ve been thinking it for a long time now, I am in love with you! I’m the worst, I just told you I loved you in your driveway in my car!! Oh my gosh!” and we both sat there laughing so hard.

I knew I couldn’t just keep sitting there laughing so then I said “I care about you so much but I’m just not there yet. I do love you, but I am not in love with you yet, I need more time. But I love spending time with you too, I love everything about you I’m just not ready for this yet.” And cute Jason was the nicest. “I understand. Don’t feel obligated or rushed or anything. But just know I love you, and I am here for you always. I realized a while ago I would do anything for you and I worry about you and care for you more than anyone I’ve ever met. So just remember that, and just be ready to hear that I love you now. Because I do and I am going to say it.” Then he walked me up to the door, kissed me, and told me he loved me and I went inside.

Do you know how weird it feels to have someone say they love you and then you don’t say it back? Do you just smile awkwardly while you bat your eyes, or scream “I LOVE PIZZA!” and run away, give them a high five and say thanks bro, pretend you didn’t hear them because you’re talking to someone on your bluetooth headset, or just say “I like you a lot too, bye!” But really what do you do?

The truth is I did love Jason then, but I was scared. I was so scared to lose someone I loved again, I was scared to make a wrong choice or not weigh all the possibilities. I was scared that I didn’t know him well enough and what if he ended up being someone other than what he seemed. It was also hard to admit that it was all happening again. I had a ton of mental and emotional walls up from the divorce and that previous relationship. I didn’t know how to transition all of myself to another person and not feel like a psychopath while doing so. I was a psycho. Every new milestone I reached with Jason brought back up tough memories and feelings which made me want to run away and become a cat lady (which says a lot because I am allergic to cats). I didn’t want to confront any of that pain which I had buried down so deep, it was way easier ignoring it.

So for a couple months Jason kept telling me he loved me while I awkwardly mumbled thanks or hugged him, or got teary eyed because I felt so rude and he was still so sweet. Jason and I would often be talking and he would say things like “When we are married we are definitely going to travel the whole world together” or “In 60 years me and you will probably still be acting like this!” or “Hopefully our kids get your butt and not mine!” and I would immediately go from happy laughing Codi to straight face worried Codi. And I’d sit and tell him to not think into the future like that. Because he didn’t know what was going to happen with us, and I didn’t ever want to let him down. It was the worst. Correction: I was the worst.

Finally in about July or so I had been talking with my friend Sammie. We had gone through marriage, then divorce, and dating again all at the same time. I don’t think I could have survived it all without her. But we were talking about love, and she asked me if I loved Jason. And I went on basically telling her (in condensed version) “Yeah I do love him, wait no, maybe, definitely, I don’t know. It’s different, I don’t know how to, and it’s scary!” and she said something to me along the lines of fear isn’t from God, love is. And it hit me that I was letting fear rule my life, and it was time to change that. I loved Jason and I needed to tell him!

So soon after that, Jason and I went to the temple. We went in the Celestial Room- a very peaceful, heavenly room of the temple. Jason was praying when I walked in and I sat by him and also prayed. Then I thought “Gosh, I am going to do it! I am telling him I love him now!” so my heart started beating so fast and I leaned over to him and whispered “Guess what?” Jason turned and looked at me with his eyes wide and shook his head at me. My face immediately went bright red “He knows!! Oh my gosh!” I thought. He whispered “Codi! Not here, anywhere but here! Not now!” I was so embarrassed. I was thinking how does he know, and why was I going to tell him here, that is so embarrassing of me! My heart was just beating out of control. So I thought “No. I am going to do it, I got this far I have to say it!” So I leaned over again and said “No J really, guess what!” and he starts to laugh “Codi really, anywhere but here! Everyone will hear it, and it will echo! Do you have to do it in here?” and I thought “It will echo…?” and died when I realized. Somewhere in life I started saying “Guess what?” to whoever was with me then when they said “What?” I’d fart! I know, I really am a 14 year old boy. So after I realized Jason thought I was going to rip a big one in the Celestial Room, I said “No, I’m not going to fart. I was just going to tell you that I love you!” and his face went from nervous surprised grin to the biggest smile ever. And we sat there hugging, with our whole bodies shaking as we laughed as reverently as we could.

Every milestone I’ve shared with Jason has been so… light. I don’t know how to word it but it’s been just a montage of funny, light, peaceful, warm, uncoordinated, smiley moments. Jason is -2893% drama, 3006% patience, 9028% funny and 938731% selfless. It’s a tough life with him, not!

Even when it comes down to the little tiny moments, there are times that my mind snapped a picture of. Those always keep me smiling. Like when I heard someone crying and peeked through a doorway and saw it was my best friend, so sad from a breakup, only to look in further and see Jason with his arms wrapped around her telling her she deserves better. Or the first time Jason went around the room giving my family hugs before we left my house saying “I love you!!” to each person while he squeezed them tight, and I knew he meant it. These are simple moments that showed qualities I’ve never experienced or seen in anyone I’ve been with. Jason really is part of me, and everyone in my life. And I in his! We don’t have “my friends” “his friends” “my family” or “his family” it’s just”Our friends” and “Our family” It is just good.

When Jason and I were setting our wedding date we picked February 1st. It was a Monday and only the Jordan River Temple was open that day. February 1st also happened to be my Grandpa Van’s birthday, so it was an extra special day.

My grandpa was the best example of Christlike love and selflessness that I knew. When he was sick I remember talking to him many times about love and about marriage. He would always tell me that life was hard enough, whoever you share your life with should just add sunshine and give their all to make you happy and vice versa. He wasn’t all talk, grandpa lived this. He treated grandma and everyone around him so well always, and added so much sunshine to everyone’s lives.

After grandpa passed away there were a few moments when I felt him by me cheering me on. One in particular was when I was deciding if I was supposed to marry Jason or not. I could almost feel grandpa’s big hand on my shoulder like he was there, saying “Codi you know perfectly well he is the one, and I approve!” Who knows if I made these moments up in my mind but they were just the right amount of peace I needed to know I was on the right path.

I felt the same peace and comfort on February 1st 2016 times a thousand, as Jason and I were married and sealed in the temple. My mom, dad and I drove over together that morning and I noticed I didn’t feel a hint of nervousness or uneasiness. We were all laughing the whole morning, and when Jason and his parents walked in I felt all bashful like I had just met him again! Why does that still happen!

We went and got dressed and my mom and Jason’s mom came and helped me. I got stuck trying to get my clothes off and my dress on and it was so funny, all three of us trying to wedge my big fat head into my dress took about 3 years. After those three years had gone by all of our wedding guests had left and forgotten we existed so no one was actually at our wedding! Har har har.

Once I was dressed I went with Jason up to talk to the sealer. The second I saw Jason I had two waterfalls coming out of my face. Nothing had even happened yet and I couldn’t stop crying! And he just had his cute gigantic excited smile on his face. I kept trying to think of very serious things like bins full of legal documents or thousands of marauding vikings so I would stop crying but it didn’t work. I was too happy.

We finally went into the sealing room and I had gained control of my tears until I saw everyone in there. Through the whole thing my lip was doing that quivery thing and I had to make sure I wasn’t looking at anyone, one little smile or watery eye in our direction sent me back into river face mode. Gosh!

It kept running through my head just how much dispair  I felt the year before that I would never find the right person, that I would be alone forever. And there right across from me was the one person who would make me the happiest girl for eternity. I found him. I thought of how quickly I found Jason, and how easy it was. How God pretty much lead us straight to each other and knew Jason was the one I needed. It blew my mind that the tiny ounce of faith I had paid off so much, I was the luckiest girl alive that day and for the rest of my life. I don’t think I have ever been so grateful in my life, I will never ever forget that feeling.

While Jason and I were married and sealed I felt many things. First I felt love, overwhelming love. From our family, friends, angels, Heavenly Father, you name it. I just felt so much love. I also felt peace, it was like God nodded his head saying “Yes, this is right.” I felt… one. I felt entirely one with Jason and everyone and everything in our lives, I felt connected, I felt sealed. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt before and it was such a surprise to me and still is. It is just right. I know that life gets hard and we will have bumps and hard times but there is not an end in my future with Jason. I didn’t know what I was missing until I found him and I will never be able to understand how I deserve him.

Ok enough of this yadda yadda though. Here are pictures. Thank you Jessica for the photos! Thank you everyone who braved the arctic. Seriously -8 degrees, windy, frost bite, multiple cases of hypothermia, wedding guests found frozen dead in the parking lot. What? Practically. Bright red noses, puffy eyes, huge coats, millions of cars in the background, squinty eyes, double chins. I for one didn’t feel glamorous at all but I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy.

Best. Day. Ever.

 

 

 

 

Modify

Well hey there!

This post is a little different than usual for me, since I will be reviewing an awesome site where you can customize your own cute prints! I’m quite enjoying this, because I don’t have to get all dressed up to take pictures of me in an outfit. In fact, I am sitting on my bed wearing a mud face mask right now. This is the life! I’m never doing a fashion post again. Just kidding. Maybe..

So I stumbled upon this fairly new company called Modify Ink a couple months ago. Their idea intrigued me because you can modify their prints just how you want them. As an artist, I love this! I like having a say in what I display in my house, and sometimes it is difficult to just find a picture or print that matches my other decor.

When you first get to their website you can read more about their concept and idea (here), or begin customizing your art (here). It is very simple, first you choose your piece. I chose this one (Flower Bunch by © Courtney Blair)


 

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Next you use the options on the right toolbar to customize your colors and patterns within the image. It is super easy, all you do is click the part of the image you want to change, then select a color! Although his part is super easy to do it was the most difficult part for me! There are SO many options. It’s safe to say it took me a good hour and a half just choosing what print to use. And then it came to choosing colors and my brain almost exploded, too much goodness! It really helped me to choose which room I was going to put my image in, so then I coordinated the colors in the print with my bedroom. Then it finally came together, I used yellow, green, creme, gray and black. I think it turned out quite cute, I love it!


 

 

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Once you customize your print, you finish and review it, then boom they will send it to you! After entering your address and info and all of that jazz of course. You can get sizes ranging from 7″ x 5″  all the way up to 40″ x 30″! I highly recommend using Modify Ink for some fantastic images to decorate whatever space you may want to put them in.


 

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My room is (obviously) mainly black, gray, creme, yellow and green. I really honestly didn’t know where I would find a print to hang up that would compliment the room. So for the longest time there was a black and white photo hanging where the Modify Ink print now is. I am super glad I know about this website now and I totally recommend customizing your own print from them! Whether it’s for yourself, a friend, or a family member, these make great gifts for anyone.

Lucky you, if you go here sometime in the next three days you can get a 30% discount on a print of your choice! Just use code IAMCODI30 at checkout! But hurry and go check it out so you have plenty of time to choose your favorite print, heaven knows it took me a while because there were endless options to choose from!

Thanks for reading guys, til next time!

Codi

 

I think spring has sprung!

Hey peeps!

Get it? I’m calling all of you peeps because it is the day after Easter and you probably have a bunch of peeps sitting around going stale. Maybe you should just throw them away because we all know you’re not going to eat them!

I originally planned on posting this on Easter, but a few computer problems later and here it is- a day late.

Yesterday was not only Easter but it was also LDS General Conference. It’s a day that happens twice a year where LDS leaders and members gather for two days to give and hear talks. These talks range from church news and announcements to gospel doctrine stories and testimonies of Jesus Christ.

I love when General Conference falls on Easter because ultimately Christ is the whole purpose of Conference, He is our cornerstone and the ultimate example.

Like many other holidays, Easter can get turned from a day to remember Christ, to a day to remember candy, rabbits and colorful eggs. Don’t get me wrong, I quite enjoy Mr. Easter bunny and all of the delicious prizes he brings me. But I know that isn’t what we should be focused on.

Easter symbolizes the day when Christ overcame death and was resurrected. He gave his life and died for each one of us, and then overcame it all and rose again. I couldn’t be more grateful for His sacrifice and example. It helps remind me that we are not just here on earth to get rich or famous. We are here for a greater purpose- to learn, grow and get back to live with God again. We can only do this because of Jesus Christ.

I know there are people out there who don’t share the same beliefs I do. But I think it can do nothing but strengthen someone to try to live a kind, selfless life like Christ did. And the message of Easter- of hope, resurrection and new beginnings can apply to us all. We all go through trials and hardships; there isn’t anyone who is spared from occasional grief and heartache. But on the other hand, everyone also experiences at least a moment of happiness, love or success. We should all remember the message of Easter every day of the year. That there are great things to live for, and there are always new beginnings, fresh starts and happy times ahead.

So ultimately I’m not too upset I couldn’t post this yesterday on Easter, because everyday should be like Easter, really!

Along with it being Easter, it’s also spring. Waaahoooo! I’ve missed the sun, colorful plants, flowers and clothes. I hope I don’t jinx it though, living in Utah means it could start snowing tomorrow for all I know. It better not!

Here’s a little spring outfit I put together. I found this PrettyGuide jumpsuit while I was thrifting last week, and paired it with my favorite DVF sequin jacket. I mean, really… Best jacket in the world! My shoes were also a thrift find last year. I have a bit of an addiction… I might just end up completely turning my blog into a thrift site. Maybe I’ll change it from iamcodi to iamsavers or iamgoodwill. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind me using their name right?

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So there you go, some springy stuffs.

So I know I haven’t been posting much lately and for that I am sorry! But also not sorry because I’ve been focusing on school, plus there are fun things coming after I graduate! Three weeks left, people. Then my trillion years of college will be completed. Someone please pat me on my sequined back! Thank you.

With Easter on the mind I thought it might also be appropriate to post my second part to my Loss Series. This is my Senior Portfolio Project, which for some reason I chose to make a photographic movie instead of do actual photos. I’m still sort of confused why I did this.. so don’t ask me why! But this video is Part Two out of three. (You can watch Part One here) It comments on loss, particularly the type of loss that we can’t control such as death, relationships, memories, etc. I started this project after my divorce and the passing of my grandpa when my life was in the middle of many big changes- I had lost a lot of people. I know everyone relates, because everyone goes through change, and change is a direct result of losing something.

 

My final video will be shown in addition to the two I have posted here in my Senior Exhibition. If you are interested in seeing them they will be displayed on the second floor the Marriot Library on Thursday, April 16th from 9am-2pm in study room 2103. If you’re up on the University of Utah campus for some reason stop in and see!

Thanks for reading guys! I’ll be posting a couple more posts before I graduate, and in a few weeks I’ll be really focusing on this little blog of mine! So keep checking back.. only if you want to of course.

Happy belated Easter! Happy spring!!

Codi

I am still here! Let’s talk collaborations…

Hey so… sorry I’ve been MIA! I’m not dead I promise.

I have some exciting new things coming in the near future. I’m in the process of revamping iamcodi.com! My website and blog will be all pretty and new (finally), and I am currently booking photo-shoots for each blog post.

I have a lot in mind for the future of this blog of mine, and I would love to collaborate with some awesome individuals! I’m looking for:

  • Photographers/ Videographers
  • Models
  • Designers (Clothing, jewelry, product..etc)
  • Companies needing advertising
  • Artists
  • Makeup Artists/Hairdressers
  • Graphic/ Web Designers
  • Interns (I will teach you all I know, young Padawan)

This list can go on if you do something that you think I could incorporate into my blog, just contact me with any questions or inquiries! These collaborations will primarily be for the blog but it could trickle into my Fine Art work depending on the project. So if you or someone you know would be interested in working with little old me shoot an email over to:

codi@iamcodi.com

Sorry this is the most boring and businessy (yes, that is a word) post I have ever done!  But this will be grreeeaaat!

And I also apologize for the blog post drought.. I’ve been doing my rain dance and I think I feel a storm coming..

Ok that last sentence was dumb.. bahaha I think I am just excited!

Thanks friends, have a fabulous week!

Codi

Simplify

Why hello there!

This might be a rather quick post. It’s been quite the week, my first week of school, plus I am leaving on a cruise tonight! Wahoooo! My pasty white skin needs the sun!

Tuesday as I was getting ready for class, I stopped and realized it was my last first day of school ever! At first I started jumping around in excitement. Then I realized… holy crap.. this means I have to be a big kid now! I will have to have a big kid job,  stop wearing diapers, stop eating baby food, and learn how to walk.. no more stroller rides for me. So then after I realized all this I was kind of worried! This is a big deal, I really have to start gearing down and figuring out what it is I want to do. For the past 3 years I was sure I wanted to just freelance with my photography. But this past year I’ve started rethinking this.. so many other things have happened or come into my life and there are many paths I could take with my career.


Through.

Where to go?!


We all come to many forks in the road in life like this where we will have to consider our different options. It’s crucial of course to have a grasp of what your talents and skill sets are. But the other important part is to think about how much you sincerely enjoy whatever it is you are going to do. For me, I have spent years studying fine art, digital media, and photography. I have also studied and immersed myself in fashion and a bit into design. I’ve learned what I love, and what I loathe ENTIRELY (meant to be read in the Grinch voice). For example.. I have shot multiple weddings, family photo sessions etc, and do I like to do them? No. Do they pay? Yes! Whereas when I come up with a concept and shoot an artistic idea of my own, with my models props etc picked out, I LOVE doing this! Do these shoots pay? They have the potential to, it would just take more time and determination on my part. Which.. I will have more of once I am graduated! So we will see where I will go, but for now I will focus super hard on my school work and my senior portfolio. I’ve found whenever I put all I’ve got into a project or job I always get so much out of it. I’m very grateful that these past few years of school I have really pushed myself and put so much time and energy into my schooling. Not only did my techniques improve, but my concepts became stronger and I grew a backbone! I also learned some new techniques and processes that I never would have known I enjoyed had I not went out of my comfort zone and tried them.

I’m looking forward to my next chapter in life, where I will be able to use all of the things I learned in school out in the “real world”. I am determined to focus my time and energy on each project I take on, I know this always results in success! So for now, blogging is one thing I’ve been focusing on, and I will continue to!

With that being said.. here are the photos I took today!  Since I am leaving to the Caribbean tonight.. and want to look semi-tan I thought I would wear one of my favorite white DVF dresses. This is the perfect dress if you want to keep things simple, I think it is also magic because it makes bums look good haha. You can never go wrong with a solid monotone dress, it is easy to pair with just about anything or just wear on it’s own. I chose to just wear it plain, with some blue Kate Spade earrings for a pop of color. And did my hair a little wavy, because why not!


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Dress: Diane von Furstenberg

Earrings: Kate Spade


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One thing that has been on my mind quite a bit lately is blogging. I enjoy it, but not as much as I originally thought I would. This week I realized that maybe it is not blogging itself, but they way I am doing it that I don’t enjoy so much. As you know, for my posts I photograph myself in different outfits etc. Though I enjoy this.. what I truly love is photographing other people, with a more artistic twist other than them just standing in front of the camera. The next few months I will be working much more of this into my posts, and including more of my artwork into my blog posts.

As I was racking my brain about blogging and why I didn’t particularly love it one girl kept coming to mind; Kier.


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I for one liked her bow. I am bummed this photo isn’t in focus!


When I first met Kier I was intimidated by her! I was like holy cow.. could one woman be any more gorgeous and confident? Then as I got to know her I learned a lot more about her, like how she is not only beautiful and confident, but also so so driven. She runs her own fashion blog and is always so on top of things! She knows exactly what she loves to blog about and how to do it so it is enjoyable for her and her viewers. Her drive carried through to our experience on House of DVF. I was always very impressed by her strength and go-getter attitude. If she doesn’t like something, she says so, if she wants something she goes for it!

Kier was also like an older sister to me. I felt like she had my back, and knew I could talk to her about anything. This might seem strange because she has such a strong personality, but I really connected with her. When started going through my divorce Kier was one of the first girls who I opened up to about it, and she was so sweet and really cared about me and my happiness. She also was always very respectful of me and my beliefs, and truly understood me as a person. I have so much respect for her and am so glad I now have such a strong friend! I am also so proud of how much she grew and learned on House of DVF. I know we all did, but I saw it the most in her.

She also probably received the most negativity from House of DVF viewers. I think she brushed it all off like a champ and realized that people who continually tear others down do it because they themselves are insecure. Reality tv is actually not reality.. there is SO much that is not shown and people can be made to look any way. And I know who Kier is, and everyone who doesn’t should go follow her blog and learn more about her and her true character! She is strong, a great friend, a go-getter, and know what she wants.


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Like Kier, I want to learn to really go for what I want, and let go of what is not good for me. I am slowly learning this but I know as I graduate and move to a new chapter of my life, I need even more drive to go for what I want. And I know this process involves choosing to lose things that aren’t meant for me.

Starting today I thought I would include one of my photographic films, which is part one of my senior portfolio. This film is commenting on loss, particularly the things we have to choose to let go of. This may include relationships, habits, objects, jobs, opportunities etc. Loss is something we can all relate to and will all have to experience at many times in life.

This is a fine art film, so it is the sort of film you would see playing in a museum. It’s just important to keep that in mind.. or otherwise you may think it’s just really weird haha that’s often what art is… weird. Enjoy!


 

Well, I’m off to the Caribbean now! Guarantee I’ll get a sunburn, it ‘s a talent I have. Til next time!

Codi

Goodbye 2014!

Happy New Years!

Only a few days late.

I can safely say I have never valued a new year as much as I do this time around, 2014 was easily the hardest year of my life. It was just chock-full of change… and I don’t particularly enjoy change.

It ranged from heartbreak, death and losing people I loved- to family members, new friendships and incredible learning experiences. Though it was hard and I am still wondering how I survived with half of my sanity (ok ok.. maybe a fourth of my sanity) I wouldn’t have had it play out any other way.

As crazy events dragged me uuuuppp and ddoooowwnn the most wild emotional roller coaster, I learned more than I ever thought I could. It sounds super cheesy to say it all helped me find myself.. but it did. It also showed me that I will never fully “find myself” not til the day comes where I am old wrinkled and ready to head up the big white staircase. And no, silly, I’m not talking about the stairs in the DVF building. Though… maybe the stairway to heaven does look pretty similar.


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Life is for learning, and we will each be learning until the day we die. I couldn’t be more grateful for all of the experiences- yucky and wonderful- that have brought me to the point I am at today. All it shows me is that God loves me and knows where I need to go, He knows a whole lot better than I do.

There have been two words on my mind A LOT since 2014 started coming to an end.

Talents and Trials.

These are two things that every single one of us has, and we can choose what we do with them and how we handle them. I also believe that they are two of the biggest character builders depending on how we utilize them.

This past year many of the exciting opportunities I had were because I decided to use some of my talents in different ways. I think at times it gets easy to not venture out of your comfort zone in fear of failure. But how will you ever grow if you aren’t allowing yourself to?

Not only did I have many exciting and fun opportunities from utilizing my talents; but I was able to reach out to people I never would have been able to otherwise. I made amazing friends and was able to bless their lives- even if just in the smallest way- because I didn’t hide my talents and abilities. If you think that you have a talent or gift that is unimportant or useless- think again! You weren’t made that way for nothing, so really consider what you can do to utilize it and to touch others lives for the better. For example.. if for some reason you are just so good at cleaning toilets, I have four! You would make me so happy if you came over and used your great ability! See, so worth it.

But in all seriousness- my whole life I had really been intrigued by fashion and beauty. And the last few years I have really enjoyed it and thrived in the artistic side of it. For a very long time I thought that I was prideful for enjoying fashion.. it must mean I’m a bad person or something! So.. I didn’t really do anything about it. Til the House of DVF casting started and I decided to apply on a whim, not thinking it would go anywhere. Well.. it went somewhere. Maybe not exactly where I thought it would go, but I can tell you that I can’t imagine where my life would be had I not tried to follow through with that talent of mine. However dumb, or bad I thought it was, I was so greatly blessed. I still can’t believe where my life has taken me since then.

I can also tell you that from using my talents..  a whole slew of trials tagged along. At first I was bitter about this. Why me? I won’t survive this. What do I even do?? It just didn’t make sense. And honestly it never would have made any sense had I not turned completely to God to get me through it all. It is funny to me that God is the not only the one who gets you out of trials.. but He is the one who gets you into them. There was a point in my life where I felt like maybe God didn’t love me and that was why he wanted to give me a hard time. But I soon came to realize that it was because He loved me that He gave me afflictions. He didn’t want me to stay where I was, because He knew I had the potential to learn, grow and become a better me. Now as I look back I also can see that He knew once I passed through my hardships that I would be a much happier girl. I don’t think I have ever been as happy as I am now! And I am so insanely grateful for everything I went through, and still go through. Because I know for a fact that there are always better things ahead.

Look at yourself and your talents and trials. What are you doing with what you’ve been dealt? Are you hiding them away, or are you sharing them? Please share them. It helps people like me know that I am not the only one trying to struggle by, we are all in the same boat. And we all have abilities and experiences we can use to help the people around us.

I’m going to share some of my favorite and not so favorite moments of 2014 with you now in photos. Lets see what I can rummage up.


I made new friendships, and met some amazingly talented people

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I strengthened old friendships and had so much fun in the process.

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I was able to spend a lot of quality time with my sweet family

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I said goodbye to my baby brother for two years

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Said goodbye to someone I planned on spending the rest of my life with

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And had to say goodbye to my sweet sweet grandpa

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Became an aunt to the best nephew in the world

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I pretended to be a model

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Also pretended to be on a reality tv show in New York

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House of DVF - Season 1


Made (or tried to make) some new art

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Experienced so many beautiful places

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Goodness. That was a lot. I doubt anyone enjoyed that or cringed as much as I did. So much good, so much bad. But I can’t help but smile at the beauty of it all and that I got to experience it.

I can’t wait for what 2015 has in store. Bring it on. I’m pretty sure I can handle whatever comes my way this time..I’ll keep my fingers crossed at least!

I know that the things I experienced were unique to me, but I sincerely believe that all of us travel through good and hard times. I also know that everyone has the capacity to learn so very much from whatever they face. I challenge you to embrace your talents gifts and skills this year, and to share your experiences with those around you. Step out of your comfort zone to be a better you, whether it be in your relationships, schooling, work or something completely different! And always keep your head up and remember there are always better things ahead than anything you leave behind.

Here’s to another great year… aahhhh!

Aaannd sorry I didn’t include any new photos and clothes. I decided to save those for my next post, where I will also talk about some things I learned from beautiful Kier from House of DVF.

Thanks for reading/ looking at so many never ending pictures that you probably could care less about!

Buh-bye for now.

Codi

The things that matter most.

Merry Christmas Eve! Or Happy Christmas Eve! Or as my dad would say “Wait, where is Christmas Adam?”

I’m still surprised it is Christmas tomorrow (or today depending when you’re reading this) and there is no snow.. I was just out playing in the sprinklers a few minutes ago. That’s a lie, but still.. I want some snow!

So this week was the Finale of House of DVF. I still can’t believe it is all over! The whole experience changed my life in so many ways. It was one of those pivotal moments that set me on a completely different path than I ever thought I would be on. I know the same goes for all of the other girls, and I am so grateful I had to opportunity to meet them. I am so excited for Brittany! She is going to be one aaammmaaazing Brand Ambassador!


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She is perfect.

Also my whole outfit is Shabby Apple!


I’ll be writing about Brit and the finale in a later post! Today I am going to talk about my girl Lenore.

As I got to know the girls, I immediately felt a close bond with Lenore. I don’t know if this was because she is so personable and funny, or because I feel like her relationship with her family is similar to mine. Well, it is probably both reasons! She is also such a sincere and genuine person, she never could say anything rude or condescending about anyone; it is just not in her nature, she really cares about people. And I have a hunch that a big reason she is like this is because of her family.


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Whoops my hand is photobombing!


When I met Lenore she mentioned how the first thing she was going to do once we were done filming was call her mom and tell her all about her day- because she is her best friend. I really admired that! I think it is such a rare thing to find people who have such close bonds with family. I know from my experience that a big reason I am who I am is because of my family. And I know that much of Lenore’s fabulous self must be a result of her sweet family as well.


Codi Moller, Lenore Genovese

I had to add this picture too because I found it online hahah.


Like Lenore, I’ve gone my whole life with the the greatest best friends in the world- my family! They have always been there for me through thick and thin. We’ve gone through struggles and yucky stuff, but that is what life is for. I could never imagine being without them. I have had people in my life who have tried to diminish my relationship with my family and the people I love. I’ve even put myself in situations where I take my family for granted. Though these things were not fun.. and I was really dumb.. I am glad I experienced them, so now I remember how valuable my loved ones truly are.

The last few months I have been really trying to find myself.. all while trying to date. It’s so strange to be living the single life again, and honestly I am not the best at balancing my priorities. I miss parts of being married.. I miss always having a companion. It’s been a struggle to try and take things slow and relaxed because I want more than anything to find the person I am supposed to end up with. I used to think I was such a patient person.. pppfffftt.. yeah right! It all sort of sucks (sort of = TOTALLY). But yesterday as I was trying to give myself a pep talk I remembered what got me through the horrible process of divorce- my family, and Christ. How dumb could I be? Once the divorce process was over I sort of just fell back into my old habits of trying to do things myself, and not relying so much on Christ. I also started spending tons and tons of time on dates, instead of with my family and close friends. Though this kept me distracted, it didn’t truly make me happy or complete. So I thought- why now, as I am in a tiny slump that doesn’t even compare to the suckiness (yes, it’s a word) of divorce, am I just relying on myself to get by?

I think at one time or another we all believe that we can overcome our trials and hard situations on our own. Or it is the opposite and you lose complete hope in yourself that you will ever get past what you are going through. I’ve experienced both of these. I am not saying that it is impossible to get over barriers on your own, or that there aren’t trials in life that will go on for looooong periods of time. But I do know that whenever I center my life, thoughts and actions around Christ, I am able to overcome anything and am never alone.

I am so grateful that we have Christmas to remind us of our elder brother Jesus Christ. Obviously I needed this reminder- that He lived so we can truly live and find happiness. Life gets busy and distracting, other times we get lazy or get into routines that don’t allow us time to think and study about what truly matters. It is sad that that is how life goes, because we should treat everyday like Christmas. We should always keep our loved ones as close as we do during the holidays. We should always have Christ and his example alive in our hearts and in our actions each day. And we should always have hope that if things are looking down, they will get better if you have your sights set on the right places.

I had the honor of snapping some photos in some cute clothes today. Although it looks like it was a nice warm day in April.. can someone tell Jack Frost we are waiting for him, and if he is any later he can consider himself fired?


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Dress: Trixxi Girl

Shirt: Thrifted- Sorry it was a handmade find!

Tights: Merona

Shoes: Vince Camuto (old)

Necklace: Katie Waltman Jewelry


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Dress: Trixxi Girl

Tights: Merona

Necklace: Katie Waltman Jewelry

Coat: Vintage Makoff


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Dress: Trixxi Girl

Shirt: Thrifted

Tights: Merona

Necklace: Katie Waltman Jewelry


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Dress: Trixxi Girl

Tights: Merona

Necklace: Katie Waltman Jewelry

Coat: Vintage Makoff


So there you have it. Some cute clothes. I really enjoy the holidays because it is also a prime time to wear pretty things!

But ultimately like I said before, the very best part of the holidays is Christ. Our Older brother, who lived and died for us all so we can learn, grow and find true happiness. Because of Him we have the chance to love and cherish our families, whoever they may be. For some it might be friends and others it might be relatives. But we should all remember who and what really matters. After all, in the end a pretty dress, a cool car, or a buttload of money isn’t going to matter. The relationships we had and the people we loved will be what counts. We should all treat every day of the year as if it were Christmas. And remember that when we let Him in to our lives we are NEVER alone, and can get through anything that comes our way.

Like C.S. Lewis so gracefully said:

“Look for Christ and you will find Him. And with Him, everything else.”

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Codi

Do what you love!

First I’d like to apologize for a couple of things:

1. I’ve dropped the ball. Yes, I am a slow poke and was supposed to write this post a few days ago. But then finals and work happened and I almost keeled over and died. So here I am, late. But still keepin on!

2. I don’t know why I said I’d like to apologize for “a couple of things” because really that is the only thing I am apologizing for…at least at this time.


 

 You can see me right there in the green.  It’s really how I feel lately.


First of all. I would like you all to know I just typed out my entire blog post. Only to have my internet freak out.. and it ALL got deleted!! Wow why is everything against me right now? Am I not supposed to be a blogger? Will someone tell me what my future holds?

Ok so hi! Here I go again. As I was saying, I’ve been swamped with homework, finals and work. This past week I thought back to the very moment I registered to go to the University of Utah. In 2010 I was sitting in Moscow, Russia on a very balmy day. Well.. if you consider being so cold that your nose hairs freeze balmy weather, it was extremely balmy. I was Skyping with my parents as they helped me get my photos together to put into a portfolio to take up to the U. I remember feeling SO stressed (probably similar to how I just felt when my whole post got deleted..) I just had so many worries on my mind. “Well I probably shouldn’t major in Fine Art.. that won’t make me enough money.. I need to do something that will be harder for me.” and “The program takes four whole years to complete? I am going to be 198 years old when I graduate, my children and my children’s children will be there to see me get my diploma, and then they will fly home in their hover car.” But ultimately I gave my parents the green light to take my portfolio to the school.. I was going to do what I loved.

As I’ve gone through the process of finding what I love to do, it’s been important for me to learn as much as I possibly can. I’ve always felt that education is such an important thing. Over the years I have had so many people ask me why I would go to school for fine art. “You already have a nice camera, and why waste money on going to school when you are already good at it?” This bothered me so much. Yes, school is expensive, and yes there are many things you can learn on your own outside of a classroom. But I wouldn’t take back a moment of my schooling. There are so many things  that I couldn’t have learned any other way than through my college experience.

I had reservations about studying something that had a reputation of producing a bunch of poor, starving hipsters.. I was seriously torn; I thought I should just study something that could make me rich, and make me sound one million many more smarter. But I knew that the Fine Art program was right for me; and I was going to do my very best and work my butt off. I think this decision was one of the most important I’ve ever made. I have learned so much through my college experience, and it had effected my life in so many ways since the very first day. I know that I was given my talents and gifts for a reason. I am a huge advocate of doing what you love, and growing your talents to their greatest extent. When you do this, doors will open; you will meet people you couldn’t have any other way, and you will be directed down an awesome path made specifically for you.

Shortly after I started my artistic journey, my two sweet children came into my world; aka my laptop and my camera. Since they are so near and dear to me it’s always been important to keep them safe; I have had some really beautiful laptop bags over the years. At one point I carried my laptop around in a bag that looked like a giant diaper and said something like “Orthopedic Surgery” on it. Lets just make it very clear I have always been so very stylish!

Before I went to New York I stumbled upon a shop called Fullgive here in Salt Lake. I was immediately super impressed by the quality and originality of their handmade leather goods! Scott from Fullgive made a custom laptop bag before I set out on my House of DVF journey, and I can safely say I have never been so in love with a bag!


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Bag: Fullgive

Dress: Trixxi

Scarf: Unknown brand, found similar here

Leggings: Similar found here

Shoes: Not Rated (old)


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It sure means a lot to me to be able to do what I love. And I don’t think anyone fully understand how important my laptop is to me. It holds all of my school work, photo work and… life! It sure is nice to have a rad bag that reminds me of how lucky I am to be able to do what I love.

So I know I am behind- but I’d like to tie my girl Abs from House of DVF into this post. When I think of going for what you love I think of this girl. She is such a go getter- and has come such a long way in her life and career already. She has such a diverse range of talents- from design, to acting.. but my favorite quality about her is her amazing sense of humor. I’m pretty dang sure that she made me laugh more than anyone else did from House of DVF. I don’t get how she does it, but she is just so funny!


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Babe status.


I am also so thrilled to see where she goes with her career. When we were back in New York shooting promo shots, Abs told me that she was getting her reels together to get more into her acting career. I know she will be so successful! I couldn’t act to save my life! She has also designed some freaking amazing clothes.. that I would be happy to take off her hands if she ever needed to get rid of them for some mysterious reason.


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Seriously though? Ok.. coolest skirt ever!


I could go on and on. Her hair- yes. I was always jealous, she always looks like a model. Also she wraps turbans like a champ.. refer back to episode one of House of DVF and you can see her work her magic on Tiff and I.. haha! I could not pull that turban off like she can.. no way! So basically I just think she is amazing. And ultimately am super impressed by her go getter attitude and confidence; she will go so far. Just look at what she has accomplished by doing what she loves and challenging herself every day.

We should all be more like her.. and get out there and be our very best selves! That’s how you get the furthest and reach even the furthest seeming goals.

So please- go do what you love and be confident in it! Gifts and talents aren’t meant to be ignored, they are meant to be used and grown.

In closing, I’d like you to know how impressed I am in myself that I just re-did this entire post after it got deleted. I think I will go do a small jig now. Waaahhhooo!

Thanks for reading!

Codi