Tag Archives: friends

Here’s To The Weirdos

Before I get into these weird ramblings I want to warn you I just did a word check to see how many times I wrote “Weird” in here and I only say it 43 times. So thats not too bad. Kind of weird of me. Shoot now I am up to 44. So enjoy this weird post! 45 feels better than 44.

I remember a day in eighth grade walking into gym class excited to see my friends. I was halfway into the locker room when I heard someone say my name while talking to someone else. I instantly stopped mid step and listened:
“Gosh Codi really is so weird, she just says weird things all the time and is so not cool. Let’s hurry and get outside before she comes in so we don’t have to walk outside with her.”

I stood there so still, not breathing like I had just got punched in my weird gut. I was so confused and hurt as they continued talking about my weirdness and how not cool I was as they walked outside.

Weird.

They thought I was weird.

In that moment the tiny librarian in my brain stepped out from behind her little desk, walked over to the tiny bookshelves, peeked over her glasses at the labels on the books, and sorted through the W’s til she found “Weird”. Took it out of its uncategorized section and carefully placed it in the “Bad” section, with some other choice words such as “messy” and “imperfect”.

And that was that. Weird was officially a word I hated from then on.

From that moment on I became really sensitive to my “weirdness”. My “friends” would talk in the hallways between classes and slowly turn their backs to me til eventually I was pushed out of their cool circle like a little dweeb goat trying to eat from the same trough as all of the big strong goats. I didn’t fit in and I didn’t really know how to be cool enough again to be allowed into that circle. So I eventually left it and went and hung out with some friends who accepted me for just who I was. From then on I didn’t know how to react around the “cool” people, so I just became quiet and stopped talking to them. This carried over into high school and oh what fun it was to act like a mysteriously shy girl daily to everyone I didn’t know.

Even through my years of soccer I learned to just shut myself up and beat myself up constantly for not being good enough or cool enough like everyone else on my team. Even my coach obviously thought I was weird and imperfect, so that was more proof of my worthlessness to me- I just didn’t fit in anywhere.
I taught myself to see everyone around me as an enemy “Everyone obviously must think I’m weird so I better not become close with them unless they are weird like me.” It was so dumb! I spent so much time and energy worrying about what people thought of me.

Near the end of high school I met a boy who was weird too, and the best part was he didn’t care at all about what anyone thought of him. It was strange to me that he could do that and I respected and loved him for it. And honestly it taught me to take my wall down for a bit. He helped me learn to not care either and embrace my weirdness. The first time we hung out we packed wheelchairs into my trunk and wheeled around in Walmart for no reason at all but just to laugh. We would go to midnight showings of movies dressed in graduation robes with sticks we had foraged from some stranger’s back yard and whittled into wands. Or go on walks and collect literally hundreds of snails from the sidewalk and put them in baskets we had found. Everything we did was so “weird” but so much fun, it was a breath of fresh air! It was all so new for me that I learned to tune the rest of the world out, it was ok for me to be weird for once and he accepted me for it.

Not long after I met another boy who was completely different than the first. He was “cool”. He was handsome, funny and smooth with his words- he always knew just what to say. Not to mention it seemed like all of the girls wanted to date him. He allowed me to be weird, and he was weird too- but he was always very guarded. He cared a whole bunch about what people thought of him, and he had some very strong opinions about many other people as well. I understood it though, I understood the walls that he put up because I had them too. I sympathized with him and learned to feel how he felt- he felt not accepted in a different way than I had growing up. It was different, but at the same time eerily similar. And it caused an un-ease in him that hurt him and kept him always on the defense.

When he proposed to me the diamond on my ring was tilted at a 45 degree angle. We sat there on the old train platform where he had just proposed and he gently held my left hand up into the light “You notice how the diamond is tilted? I asked them to make it that way on purpose. I didn’t want it straight because that wouldn’t make sense. You are “off” too Codi, just like the diamond, you are not normal. You are tilted, you are not the same as everyone else, so I wanted your ring to show that.”

Weird.

He thought I was weird.

It was kind and thoughtful of him, he liked that about me, but he saw me as vastly different from  even himself. It struck me that he saw me as “off” too just like everyone else did. Which was ok but just resonated in a strange lonely part of my heart.

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Obviously these years were some that taught me the very most. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions- I would feel extreme highs of importance when I was praised and showered with songs, tears and romantic gestures. And other times I went through the lowest lows. Times when I would feel so hopeless, misunderstood, unimportant and weird that I would cry silent heaving sobs into my pillow in the middle of the night- while my husband would sleep peacefully on the other side of the bed.

My “weirdness” grew into a monster for these years. I always felt it lingering, every decision I made, every person I talked to, it would creep up and I’d have to fight it back so I could act normal. But I never was. Whatever I did wasn’t good enough and wasn’t accepted. So I learned to shut down just how I had in Jr High school. I became quiet and accepted the fact I wasn’t going to be heard, so I needed to just blend in and let my husband take control (since obviously I was too weird and dumb to make decisions myself- and I believed that my past backed up that belief about myself)

We all know how that story ends so I’ll save you most of the details.
But my weirdness still wouldn’t leave me alone, even through my divorce I would hear from complete strangers that my in-laws and husband’s friends were saying I was “crazy” and “bipolar” or a few other words which to me just screamed: UNIMPORTANT, FAILURE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

WEIRD.

They thought I was weird.

And just like that they pushed me out of their lives, out of the cool circle like I never existed. And I had to pretend I didn’t miss them either, because cool people don’t do that.

Fast forward to the next boy I met, unlike #1 or #2 in so many ways.


Jason was Jason. It never occurred to me when we met that he was weird or that a word like that even existed any more. What I had once viewed as weird just looked flawless and comfortable when I looked at Jason. He didn’t care what people thought of him, but he thought the world of quite literally everyone around him. He would laugh at anything he thought was funny, and he would talk to anyone no matter who they were or what others thought of them. He would act however he wanted and do anything that made him or others happy, as long as it was positive. I could see in his huge group of fun, weird, amazing friends and wonderful, accepting, fun family that he was doing something right- because why else would he be surrounded by so so much support and positivity? He literally took “weird” right out of my mind and melted it back down to what it meant to me when I was a kid. Which was just.. different. And Jason was and is different, and honestly I don’t know one person who doesn’t love him for it, not one!

He helped me see that different is not a bad thing, it’s actually a great thing.

One day we were driving and I felt so down because one of my good friends had just turned me down to go on a group date with us. Her words were “My husband thinks you’re weird and that date nights you put on are just weird, so we probably aren’t going to come, sorry.”

Jason looked at me and said “Code, what a compliment. Don’t see being “weird” as a bad thing, it means you’re different. And different people make life more fun and bright for everyone else! You make people see the world in a different light and that is an amazing gift! I feel so proud every time someone calls me weird, because it’s a compliment. Don’t feel sad, they are the ones missing out on your amazing insight, ideas and fun!”

Sure, just weeks before I had put on an old person date night where I forced my friends to all wear old clothes from Goodwill while we shuffled and limped around all night wearing braces and took crutches and wheelchairs to Chuck-a-Rama. After dinner we played a nice game of bingo and one of the prizes was an adult diaper. But was this date night weird? No way! Maybe everyone else who doesn’t have date nights like this are the weird ones!

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It’s taken me my whole life to accept myself for who I am and to not be offended or sad when people say I’m weird. And I can’t say how much I wish I had learned this lesson years ago. It would have saved me so much hurt and worry.

Since Jason has come into my life he has helped open my eyes to so much. He has really taught me that when you are your best and truest self, you are also your happiest self and good people and experiences will just come to you! It’s really like magic how this happens and I’ve loved experiencing life in this light and learning to embrace what makes me different. It’s amazing how many friends and just pure goodness have appeared in my life in the last couple of years. And I have enjoyed being able to get to know people genuinely without boundaries or cautiousness in how I’m going to appear or come off to them. The truth is people will open up and love you more if you learn to do this within yourself first. Sometimes this takes a lot of life experience, or just someone to come in and show you the ropes in a kind way.

So be weird, be kind, be genuine and be you. I’m here to tell you it’s not worth the pain and the sadness to worry what everyone thinks of you. Worry about fixing yourself first if you’re broken, because when you are healthy emotionally then the people around you will feel it and you will be able to do more good than before and spread so much more sunshine!

One night Jason and I were at home, we were in our underwear hugging each other as tight as we could while we held our breath to see who could squeeze an ugly laugh out of the other person first. I think I won. After that we brushed our teeth while we ugly danced in silence, read some of our book and the scriptures together, and then talked about life and laughed really hard at something that had happened that day. As I laid there with my head on his belly while he played with my hair I realized something. To Jason I was not “off”. I was not tilted or crooked or different to him. We were one, and as far as he could tell we were both on the exact same crazy angle. And if we were both tilted at the exact same strange angle then really we weren’t “off” at all.

This was probably a totally cheesy, dumb, and maybe repetitive post but it’s something that has really shaped my life. I hope I can help even one person see how they might be holding themselves back from such a happy life. It’s ok to care about the people you care about, it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to think of crazy ideas, and do bizarre things as long as they are good, uplifting and positive. Never be ashamed of those good parts of you no matter if some people think you’re weird or that you don’t fit in with their views of what is normal. It’s ok. And our differences are what make life worth living.

There are always going to be people out there who are craving your individuality and who might need your heart, your ideas, or your outlook on life to better their life in some way. So don’t let the fear of what anyone thinks of you put out your unique flame. In the past I never would have written or posted anything like this post in fear of it sounding weird. But what the heck, who cares?

I am still here! Let’s talk collaborations…

Hey so… sorry I’ve been MIA! I’m not dead I promise.

I have some exciting new things coming in the near future. I’m in the process of revamping iamcodi.com! My website and blog will be all pretty and new (finally), and I am currently booking photo-shoots for each blog post.

I have a lot in mind for the future of this blog of mine, and I would love to collaborate with some awesome individuals! I’m looking for:

  • Photographers/ Videographers
  • Models
  • Designers (Clothing, jewelry, product..etc)
  • Companies needing advertising
  • Artists
  • Makeup Artists/Hairdressers
  • Graphic/ Web Designers
  • Interns (I will teach you all I know, young Padawan)

This list can go on if you do something that you think I could incorporate into my blog, just contact me with any questions or inquiries! These collaborations will primarily be for the blog but it could trickle into my Fine Art work depending on the project. So if you or someone you know would be interested in working with little old me shoot an email over to:

codi@iamcodi.com

Sorry this is the most boring and businessy (yes, that is a word) post I have ever done!  But this will be grreeeaaat!

And I also apologize for the blog post drought.. I’ve been doing my rain dance and I think I feel a storm coming..

Ok that last sentence was dumb.. bahaha I think I am just excited!

Thanks friends, have a fabulous week!

Codi

Goodbye 2014!

Happy New Years!

Only a few days late.

I can safely say I have never valued a new year as much as I do this time around, 2014 was easily the hardest year of my life. It was just chock-full of change… and I don’t particularly enjoy change.

It ranged from heartbreak, death and losing people I loved- to family members, new friendships and incredible learning experiences. Though it was hard and I am still wondering how I survived with half of my sanity (ok ok.. maybe a fourth of my sanity) I wouldn’t have had it play out any other way.

As crazy events dragged me uuuuppp and ddoooowwnn the most wild emotional roller coaster, I learned more than I ever thought I could. It sounds super cheesy to say it all helped me find myself.. but it did. It also showed me that I will never fully “find myself” not til the day comes where I am old wrinkled and ready to head up the big white staircase. And no, silly, I’m not talking about the stairs in the DVF building. Though… maybe the stairway to heaven does look pretty similar.


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Life is for learning, and we will each be learning until the day we die. I couldn’t be more grateful for all of the experiences- yucky and wonderful- that have brought me to the point I am at today. All it shows me is that God loves me and knows where I need to go, He knows a whole lot better than I do.

There have been two words on my mind A LOT since 2014 started coming to an end.

Talents and Trials.

These are two things that every single one of us has, and we can choose what we do with them and how we handle them. I also believe that they are two of the biggest character builders depending on how we utilize them.

This past year many of the exciting opportunities I had were because I decided to use some of my talents in different ways. I think at times it gets easy to not venture out of your comfort zone in fear of failure. But how will you ever grow if you aren’t allowing yourself to?

Not only did I have many exciting and fun opportunities from utilizing my talents; but I was able to reach out to people I never would have been able to otherwise. I made amazing friends and was able to bless their lives- even if just in the smallest way- because I didn’t hide my talents and abilities. If you think that you have a talent or gift that is unimportant or useless- think again! You weren’t made that way for nothing, so really consider what you can do to utilize it and to touch others lives for the better. For example.. if for some reason you are just so good at cleaning toilets, I have four! You would make me so happy if you came over and used your great ability! See, so worth it.

But in all seriousness- my whole life I had really been intrigued by fashion and beauty. And the last few years I have really enjoyed it and thrived in the artistic side of it. For a very long time I thought that I was prideful for enjoying fashion.. it must mean I’m a bad person or something! So.. I didn’t really do anything about it. Til the House of DVF casting started and I decided to apply on a whim, not thinking it would go anywhere. Well.. it went somewhere. Maybe not exactly where I thought it would go, but I can tell you that I can’t imagine where my life would be had I not tried to follow through with that talent of mine. However dumb, or bad I thought it was, I was so greatly blessed. I still can’t believe where my life has taken me since then.

I can also tell you that from using my talents..  a whole slew of trials tagged along. At first I was bitter about this. Why me? I won’t survive this. What do I even do?? It just didn’t make sense. And honestly it never would have made any sense had I not turned completely to God to get me through it all. It is funny to me that God is the not only the one who gets you out of trials.. but He is the one who gets you into them. There was a point in my life where I felt like maybe God didn’t love me and that was why he wanted to give me a hard time. But I soon came to realize that it was because He loved me that He gave me afflictions. He didn’t want me to stay where I was, because He knew I had the potential to learn, grow and become a better me. Now as I look back I also can see that He knew once I passed through my hardships that I would be a much happier girl. I don’t think I have ever been as happy as I am now! And I am so insanely grateful for everything I went through, and still go through. Because I know for a fact that there are always better things ahead.

Look at yourself and your talents and trials. What are you doing with what you’ve been dealt? Are you hiding them away, or are you sharing them? Please share them. It helps people like me know that I am not the only one trying to struggle by, we are all in the same boat. And we all have abilities and experiences we can use to help the people around us.

I’m going to share some of my favorite and not so favorite moments of 2014 with you now in photos. Lets see what I can rummage up.


I made new friendships, and met some amazingly talented people

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I strengthened old friendships and had so much fun in the process.

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I was able to spend a lot of quality time with my sweet family

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I said goodbye to my baby brother for two years

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Said goodbye to someone I planned on spending the rest of my life with

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And had to say goodbye to my sweet sweet grandpa

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Became an aunt to the best nephew in the world

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I pretended to be a model

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Also pretended to be on a reality tv show in New York

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House of DVF - Season 1


Made (or tried to make) some new art

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Experienced so many beautiful places

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Goodness. That was a lot. I doubt anyone enjoyed that or cringed as much as I did. So much good, so much bad. But I can’t help but smile at the beauty of it all and that I got to experience it.

I can’t wait for what 2015 has in store. Bring it on. I’m pretty sure I can handle whatever comes my way this time..I’ll keep my fingers crossed at least!

I know that the things I experienced were unique to me, but I sincerely believe that all of us travel through good and hard times. I also know that everyone has the capacity to learn so very much from whatever they face. I challenge you to embrace your talents gifts and skills this year, and to share your experiences with those around you. Step out of your comfort zone to be a better you, whether it be in your relationships, schooling, work or something completely different! And always keep your head up and remember there are always better things ahead than anything you leave behind.

Here’s to another great year… aahhhh!

Aaannd sorry I didn’t include any new photos and clothes. I decided to save those for my next post, where I will also talk about some things I learned from beautiful Kier from House of DVF.

Thanks for reading/ looking at so many never ending pictures that you probably could care less about!

Buh-bye for now.

Codi

The things that matter most.

Merry Christmas Eve! Or Happy Christmas Eve! Or as my dad would say “Wait, where is Christmas Adam?”

I’m still surprised it is Christmas tomorrow (or today depending when you’re reading this) and there is no snow.. I was just out playing in the sprinklers a few minutes ago. That’s a lie, but still.. I want some snow!

So this week was the Finale of House of DVF. I still can’t believe it is all over! The whole experience changed my life in so many ways. It was one of those pivotal moments that set me on a completely different path than I ever thought I would be on. I know the same goes for all of the other girls, and I am so grateful I had to opportunity to meet them. I am so excited for Brittany! She is going to be one aaammmaaazing Brand Ambassador!


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She is perfect.

Also my whole outfit is Shabby Apple!


I’ll be writing about Brit and the finale in a later post! Today I am going to talk about my girl Lenore.

As I got to know the girls, I immediately felt a close bond with Lenore. I don’t know if this was because she is so personable and funny, or because I feel like her relationship with her family is similar to mine. Well, it is probably both reasons! She is also such a sincere and genuine person, she never could say anything rude or condescending about anyone; it is just not in her nature, she really cares about people. And I have a hunch that a big reason she is like this is because of her family.


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Whoops my hand is photobombing!


When I met Lenore she mentioned how the first thing she was going to do once we were done filming was call her mom and tell her all about her day- because she is her best friend. I really admired that! I think it is such a rare thing to find people who have such close bonds with family. I know from my experience that a big reason I am who I am is because of my family. And I know that much of Lenore’s fabulous self must be a result of her sweet family as well.


Codi Moller, Lenore Genovese

I had to add this picture too because I found it online hahah.


Like Lenore, I’ve gone my whole life with the the greatest best friends in the world- my family! They have always been there for me through thick and thin. We’ve gone through struggles and yucky stuff, but that is what life is for. I could never imagine being without them. I have had people in my life who have tried to diminish my relationship with my family and the people I love. I’ve even put myself in situations where I take my family for granted. Though these things were not fun.. and I was really dumb.. I am glad I experienced them, so now I remember how valuable my loved ones truly are.

The last few months I have been really trying to find myself.. all while trying to date. It’s so strange to be living the single life again, and honestly I am not the best at balancing my priorities. I miss parts of being married.. I miss always having a companion. It’s been a struggle to try and take things slow and relaxed because I want more than anything to find the person I am supposed to end up with. I used to think I was such a patient person.. pppfffftt.. yeah right! It all sort of sucks (sort of = TOTALLY). But yesterday as I was trying to give myself a pep talk I remembered what got me through the horrible process of divorce- my family, and Christ. How dumb could I be? Once the divorce process was over I sort of just fell back into my old habits of trying to do things myself, and not relying so much on Christ. I also started spending tons and tons of time on dates, instead of with my family and close friends. Though this kept me distracted, it didn’t truly make me happy or complete. So I thought- why now, as I am in a tiny slump that doesn’t even compare to the suckiness (yes, it’s a word) of divorce, am I just relying on myself to get by?

I think at one time or another we all believe that we can overcome our trials and hard situations on our own. Or it is the opposite and you lose complete hope in yourself that you will ever get past what you are going through. I’ve experienced both of these. I am not saying that it is impossible to get over barriers on your own, or that there aren’t trials in life that will go on for looooong periods of time. But I do know that whenever I center my life, thoughts and actions around Christ, I am able to overcome anything and am never alone.

I am so grateful that we have Christmas to remind us of our elder brother Jesus Christ. Obviously I needed this reminder- that He lived so we can truly live and find happiness. Life gets busy and distracting, other times we get lazy or get into routines that don’t allow us time to think and study about what truly matters. It is sad that that is how life goes, because we should treat everyday like Christmas. We should always keep our loved ones as close as we do during the holidays. We should always have Christ and his example alive in our hearts and in our actions each day. And we should always have hope that if things are looking down, they will get better if you have your sights set on the right places.

I had the honor of snapping some photos in some cute clothes today. Although it looks like it was a nice warm day in April.. can someone tell Jack Frost we are waiting for him, and if he is any later he can consider himself fired?


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Dress: Trixxi Girl

Shirt: Thrifted- Sorry it was a handmade find!

Tights: Merona

Shoes: Vince Camuto (old)

Necklace: Katie Waltman Jewelry


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Dress: Trixxi Girl

Tights: Merona

Necklace: Katie Waltman Jewelry

Coat: Vintage Makoff


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Dress: Trixxi Girl

Shirt: Thrifted

Tights: Merona

Necklace: Katie Waltman Jewelry


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Dress: Trixxi Girl

Tights: Merona

Necklace: Katie Waltman Jewelry

Coat: Vintage Makoff


So there you have it. Some cute clothes. I really enjoy the holidays because it is also a prime time to wear pretty things!

But ultimately like I said before, the very best part of the holidays is Christ. Our Older brother, who lived and died for us all so we can learn, grow and find true happiness. Because of Him we have the chance to love and cherish our families, whoever they may be. For some it might be friends and others it might be relatives. But we should all remember who and what really matters. After all, in the end a pretty dress, a cool car, or a buttload of money isn’t going to matter. The relationships we had and the people we loved will be what counts. We should all treat every day of the year as if it were Christmas. And remember that when we let Him in to our lives we are NEVER alone, and can get through anything that comes our way.

Like C.S. Lewis so gracefully said:

“Look for Christ and you will find Him. And with Him, everything else.”

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Codi